1 00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:03,712 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:20,729 (ASTEROID READING) 3 00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:23,815 Good afternoon and welcome to Literary Classics. 4 00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:26,860 I'm your host, a talking asteroid. 5 00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,445 Today's story is called 6 00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,864 The Legend of the Burrito Monday 7 00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,490 by Mark Kregner. 8 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:33,992 Book, please. 9 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:35,201 (GRUNTS) 10 00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,036 Luckily, I memorized it. 11 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,413 (CLEARS THROAT) 12 00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:41,833 Our story begins in present day, Chicago, Illinois. 13 00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,836 where the greedy old billionaire, Elmer Scrooge, 14 00:00:44,919 --> 00:00:47,046 is counting all his money. 15 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,465 One billion one, 16 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,841 one billion two. 17 00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:52,260 I'm a billionaire. (LAUGHS) 18 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:53,845 Mr. Scrooge. 19 00:00:53,928 --> 00:00:55,847 Whoa! (GRUNTS, GROANS) 20 00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:57,849 Bugs Cratchit. 21 00:00:57,932 --> 00:01:00,602 How many times have I told you to knock before coming in? 22 00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:01,811 Several times. 23 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,188 Anyhow, here you go. 24 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:06,524 The latest figures from your billion-dollar business. 25 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,152 Three billion and one dollars? 26 00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:12,238 I was supposed to be three billion and two dollars. 27 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:13,406 But it's just a dollar. 28 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,408 Maybe to you, it's only a dollar, 29 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:17,494 but, to me, it's one hundred cents. 30 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,497 I'm taking that dollar from your pay check. 31 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,290 Now finish the rest of this paper work, 32 00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:24,167 and I'll see you tomorrow morning. 33 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,544 But tomorrow is a holiday, sir. 34 00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,712 Well, what holiday? 35 00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:30,048 Why it's Burrito Monday, sir. 36 00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:31,341 Who thought that one up? 37 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,552 Some sort of cartoon writer/producer? 38 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,847 Burrito Monday is the day when everyone buys burritos 39 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,682 because they hate Mondays. 40 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,352 You need to celebrate Burrito Monday, sir. 41 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:43,645 Enough of this nonsense! 42 00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:46,606 You're gonna celebrate Burrito Monday by working. 43 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,275 And don't touch my money. 44 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:51,069 Burrito Monday, bah. 45 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:53,279 I've never heard of anything more ridiculous. 46 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,657 PUNKINHEAD: ♪ Deck the halls For Burrito Monday 47 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:58,576 ♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la La tortillas ♪ 48 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,036 Season's eatings, sir. 49 00:02:00,119 --> 00:02:02,413 Do you have a dollar to spare for people who can't afford 50 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,791 a decent burrito on Burrito Monday? 51 00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:07,627 No way. I don't celebrate made up holidays, 52 00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:09,295 and I don't like poor people. 53 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,463 Gross! 54 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,258 But it's not made up. It's real. 55 00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:16,386 Yeah, it was on December 9th, 2002. 56 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:17,720 There was a giant snow storm 57 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,889 in the city of Chicago, Illinois. 58 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,808 CURT: And no one had nothing to eat. 59 00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:25,311 It was the worst Monday in the history of Mondays. 60 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:26,771 PUNKINHEAD: But, then, at midnight, 61 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:29,232 a giant burrito done floated over the city, 62 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,401 and everyone took a pinch of it. 63 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:34,529 CURT: And it filled their bellies with joy. 64 00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:35,989 (BOTH MUNCHING) 65 00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:38,616 Aww, you want to know what would fill me up with joy? 66 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,369 (LOUDLY) If you two would get out of my face! 67 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:44,497 (WIND WHISTLING) 68 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:47,584 Those two and their crazy stories. 69 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:50,461 Elmer Scrooge. 70 00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:52,255 Huh? Oh! 71 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,048 Must be my imagination. 72 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:55,091 I'm all worked up 73 00:02:55,174 --> 00:02:57,635 because of this Burrito Monday nonsense. 74 00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:00,930 (YAWNS) 75 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:04,726 A good night's sleep will calm my frazzled nerves. 76 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,394 (SNORING) 77 00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:09,355 Elmer Scrooge. 78 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,982 Who's there? Show yourself. 79 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:14,402 It is I, the ghost of Yosemite Sam. 80 00:03:14,485 --> 00:03:15,695 Yosemite Sam? 81 00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:18,531 My old business partner? But you passed away years ago. 82 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:21,284 Of course, I did. I just told you I was a ghost. 83 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,244 I don't believe in ghosts. 84 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,370 Oh, yeah? 85 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,122 How about now? 86 00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:28,166 Boo! 87 00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:29,500 Booga, booga, booga. 88 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,544 All right, all right, I believe in ghosts. 89 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:32,962 What do you want, Sam? 90 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,631 I've come to give you a warning. 91 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,300 If you don't change your evil, greedy ways, 92 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:39,344 you will be doomed to walk the Earth 93 00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:41,638 covered in cilantro like me. 94 00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:44,766 (GASPS) I hate cilantro. It tastes like soap. 95 00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:46,976 How do I avoid this terrible fate? 96 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,937 Tonight, you are gonna be visited 97 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,523 by the three spirits of Burrito Monday. 98 00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:55,568 They will show you what you need to do. 99 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:56,819 (SCREAMS) 100 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:57,904 (CRASHES) 101 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,782 He's gone. Was that real? 102 00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,241 Oh, who am I kidding? 103 00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:03,910 There's no such thing as ghosts. 104 00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:05,662 I'm going back to bed. 105 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:06,663 (YAWNS) 106 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:07,914 PORKY: Greetings, Elmer Scrooge. 107 00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:09,332 (SCREAMS, GROANS) 108 00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:12,293 (STUTTERING) I am the Ghost of Burrito Monday Past. 109 00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:13,836 Whose past? 110 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,588 Your past, Scrooge. I'm gonna take you back to your childhood. 111 00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:19,592 To figure out what turned you into such a (STUTTERS) dirty meanie. 112 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:22,929 I'm not a meanie. Now, get out of house. 113 00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,264 - Ow! - You need to worry less about yourself, 114 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:28,726 and more about others. Now, come along. (BLOWS AIR) 115 00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:31,521 Do you recognize this place? 116 00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,064 Why, it's my old house. 117 00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:35,650 And that's my old pet horse, Apple Butter. 118 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,694 Oh, we would eat the days away, 119 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,863 This time, I put extra black beans in mine and what not. 120 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,700 I made mine extra big by using two tortillas. 121 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,244 Elmer, what do you think you're doing? 122 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,913 Oh, uh, we were just, uh, doing our chores. 123 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:51,624 You were eating Mexican food with that horse again. 124 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,584 He's become too much of a distraction. 125 00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:54,919 He has to go. 126 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,838 Apple Butter! 127 00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:59,924 Goodbye, Elmer, I'll never forget you. 128 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,509 Oh, Apple Butter. 129 00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:03,886 My father took him to the Glue Factory. 130 00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,722 He worked for the rest of his life 131 00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,391 as the assistant manager of the food court. 132 00:05:08,474 --> 00:05:10,310 I never saw him again. 133 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,853 (CRYING LOUDLY) 134 00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:14,897 I'm sorry, 135 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,691 but I have to take you to your next destin... (STUTTERS) 136 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:17,900 Your next stop. 137 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,402 -(BLOWS AIR) -(COUGHS) 138 00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:22,613 Hello, Ghost of Burrito Monday Past. 139 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:23,698 Where did you go? 140 00:05:23,781 --> 00:05:26,075 EERIE VOICE: Whoo, ooh, ooh. 141 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,285 Is that you, Spirit? 142 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:29,912 What do you want from me? 143 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,539 ASTEROID: Ooh, scary. 144 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,792 And also a good time to take a break and have a spot of tea. 145 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:35,877 (SLURPING) 146 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,837 -(SHATTERS) -(GRUNTS) 147 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,631 We'll be right back. 148 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,762 Ooh, they started running I gotta go, ta-ta. 149 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:46,971 Welcome back. 150 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,807 When we last saw Scrooge, he was being confronted 151 00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,809 by another spooky ghost. 152 00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,436 Let's watch, shall we? 153 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:55,980 EERIE VOICE: Whoo, ooh, ooh. 154 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,106 Is that you, Spirit? 155 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,900 EERIE VOICE: Whoo, ooh, ooh. 156 00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:01,110 Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! 157 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,278 Who are you? 158 00:06:02,361 --> 00:06:04,614 I am the Ghost of Burrito Monday Present. 159 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:06,699 I don't wanna talk about Burrito Monday. 160 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,910 Don't you mean you don't wanna guac about it? 161 00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,787 Well, you don't have to. (SNAPS FINGERS) 162 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,080 Because we're here. 163 00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:14,665 - Where's here? - Bugs Cratchit's house. 164 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:15,792 BIGFOOT: Come on, guys. 165 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,960 Any minute now, Bugs and actor Sean Astin 166 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,337 will be here with a burrito. 167 00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:22,090 ♪ And a burrito in a pantry ♪ 168 00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:25,093 Hey, everyone, it's me, actor Sean Astin. 169 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,677 The burrito is here! 170 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,096 ALL: Hurray! 171 00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:34,602 - Oh, it's kinda small. - Yeah. 172 00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:35,812 Well, all I know 173 00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:37,980 is this is the biggest burrito I've ever seen. 174 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,025 Hey, Sean, why don't you do some acting before we eat? 175 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,652 Oh, I don't know. 176 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:43,820 Yeah, I wanna eat. 177 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,196 All right, you talked me into it. 178 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:47,824 This is from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. 179 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:49,325 (CLEARS THROAT) 180 00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:52,495 "If music be the food of love, 181 00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,622 "play..." (COUGHING) 182 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,666 Actor Sean Astin, are you okay? 183 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,710 I'm just weak from lack of food. (COUGHS) 184 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:02,839 Oh, no, actor Sean Astin looks so ill. 185 00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,091 Tell me, Spirit, what will happen to him? 186 00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:06,509 I see an upcoming movie 187 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:09,846 and no supporting actor to play the lead's best friend. 188 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,848 - Well, I gotta take off. - Now? 189 00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,933 I'm the Ghost of Burrito Monday Present. 190 00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:15,726 It's always now. 191 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,687 So long. Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! 192 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:19,939 Wait, I'll raise Bugs' salary. 193 00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:21,274 I'll make it right. 194 00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,484 Elmer. 195 00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:27,738 I'm the Ghost of Burrito Monday Future. 196 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:30,575 Egads! What sort of creature are you? 197 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:33,119 I'm a Martian. 198 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:35,705 I'm here to tell you about your future. 199 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:39,292 Come with me. 200 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:43,087 Yeah, can you believe the old man finally kicked the bucket? 201 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,548 I thought he'd never pass away. 202 00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,758 What happened to all his money? 203 00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:49,343 No one knows. 204 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:52,013 I suppose he was hoping to take it to the grave with him. 205 00:07:52,096 --> 00:07:54,056 (ALL LAUGHING) 206 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,603 We have to steal all this old dead guy stuff 207 00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:00,688 before they auction it off. 208 00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:02,064 Nice work, Claud. 209 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:03,524 That ought to be worth something. 210 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,735 - Ooh, I wanna see. -(GROANING) 211 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,403 - Will you... - No. Me! 212 00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:10,907 You guys wanna see stars, I'll show you stars. 213 00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:12,283 (BOTH YELPING) 214 00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,577 Does no one care this man is dead? 215 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:17,872 Enough of this, Spirit! Take me away from here! 216 00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,543 (GRUNTS) This is Bugs Cratchit's house. 217 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:25,087 BUGS: So everyone decided to eat a burrito. 218 00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:30,134 (CRYING) Everyone felt the warmth of this burrito miracle. 219 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,552 Sorry, guys. 220 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,930 It's just, usually actor Sean Astin 221 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,432 tells the story of Burrito Monday 222 00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:38,392 I miss him so much. 223 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,728 (CRYING LOUDLY) 224 00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:42,772 Where is actor Sean Astin? 225 00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,649 (GASPS) Is he... 226 00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:46,442 No. Worse. 227 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:51,405 "To be or not to be." 228 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,741 WOMAN: Can I get a warm up on this coffee? 229 00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:55,243 Of course, right away, ma'am. 230 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:57,245 He's doing dinner theater? 231 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,288 That's a fate worse than death! 232 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,748 Speaking of which... 233 00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:03,459 Why are we by this open grave? 234 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,128 Wait, I know. It's mine, isn't it? 235 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,922 Well, yeah. 236 00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:10,424 Tell me how I can avoid this fate. 237 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:13,344 You know how to do it. Now, get in there! 238 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,471 (SCREAMING) 239 00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:18,557 Black beans and hot sauce? 240 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:21,310 No, please! 241 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,937 No, please! 242 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,313 Huh? 243 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,607 I'm alive! I'm back in my room. 244 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,277 Maybe it's not too late. (GRUNTS) 245 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:33,656 Hello, boy. Hello, girl. What day is it today? 246 00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:36,701 Why, it's Burrito Monday, sir. (GRUNTS) 247 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:38,035 I didn't miss it! 248 00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:41,247 Do you know Salsa Sam's restaurant on Third Street? 249 00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:42,456 We do, sir. 250 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,417 You know whether they sold the prize burrito 251 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,960 that was hanging in the window? 252 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,170 - Why, it's hanging there now. -(GRUNTS) 253 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:51,299 ELMER: Go buy it and take it to Bugs Cratchit's house. 254 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,676 You there! I want to give you something. 255 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:54,802 Don't move. 256 00:09:54,885 --> 00:09:57,096 (GRUNTS) This is for all the poor people 257 00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:59,265 who can't afford a burrito today. 258 00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:00,391 (LAUGHS) 259 00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:01,934 I think that old man... 260 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,936 ...done lost his mind. 261 00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:06,147 I don't understand. 262 00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:08,399 Who would send us a giant burrito? 263 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,651 I don't know, but I ain't complaining. 264 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,528 -(KNOCK ON DOOR) - Come in. 265 00:10:12,611 --> 00:10:13,696 -(THUDS) -(WIND HOWLING) 266 00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,364 Cratchit, you're supposed to be at work. 267 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,200 I know, sir. I was just about to leave. 268 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:19,201 Don't bother. 269 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,745 I'm tired of this behavior. 270 00:10:20,828 --> 00:10:22,913 In fact, I'm so tired of it, 271 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:26,500 I'm going to have to give you the day off. 272 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,378 What? I did not see this coming. 273 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,630 Happy Burrito Monday, Bugs. 274 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,924 Not only am I gonna raise your salary, 275 00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:37,470 I'm also gonna help your struggling extended family. 276 00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:41,223 It's a Burrito Monday miracle! 277 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:45,061 No, actor Sean Astin, you're the miracle. 278 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:47,897 Burrito, bless us everyone. 279 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:49,940 ALL: And salsa to you. 280 00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:56,572 Happy Burrito Monday to all, and to all a good bite. 281 00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:57,698 (CHOMPING) 282 00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,117 Well, that was very silly, wasn't it? 283 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,416 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING)